Rules of the Beach

As I sit here sweating like a man on the Maury Povich show entitled "are you the father?", I can't help but be reminded that Summer is closing in on us faster than that "hit" series Caveman went off the air! We thought we would help you men with a few guidelines to assist you during your beach time.







Foot Attire:
There are two options here. Bare feet or flip-flops. Unless you are from the 909, that is it. If you do belong to the aforementioned area code, then you must wear socks and all-white skater shoes and come to the beach with your "crew" and some sort of professional jersey on and some sweat bands so everyone can mistake you for Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, Peyton Manning, etc. And while we are on the subject, never ever wear any sort of dress shoes with shorts. Beach or no beach, it just looks like you don't know what a flip-flop is, and if they have flip-flops in Egypt, they have them where you are from.




Waist Attire:
Unless you are participating in a triathlon or competitive swim, you must wear non-elastic board shorts that go to at most three inches above your knee. I don't want to lose my lunch every time you sit down. You following me? Absolutely no Speedo, unless there is a large group of people and you are about to start a swim where you will win money or have extreme notoriety for completing (think English Channel). A Speedo wearer is probably the same guy I see in the gym locker room walking around naked, sitting on all the benches, and making everyone uncomfortable. I don't like you flashing your junk at me when I am at the gym and I don't like seeing your moose knuckle (see image below) through your speedos. Nudity and spedos belong and are to remain in your own home. Never show up fully clothed. It is awkward for us all to see you traipse through the sand like you are stranded in the middle of the Sahara.






NO, THANK YOU!!!!!!









Upper Body Attire:
Two options again. Nothing or a t-shirt. Once again, no professional athlete jerseys and no sweat bands. You have a towel to wipe the sweat off of your athletic brow. You don't need any "gear" for your ultimate Frisbee game.




Sunscreens:

First of all...Unless you're going to the beach with a girl, lotion up at home! I don't need to see two mongrels slathering each other's hairy backsides with some cocoa butter they picked up at the local liquor store, while grabbing some Lynchburg Lemonade! Unless you're going to be competing in muscle beach pose down, leave the Hawaiian Tropic for the ladies.


P.s. 1985 called and is looking for it's zinc oxide and aqua socks!



Tips For Women:
Well women, we have simplified it for you into three easy steps/rules:

1) Show up with other girlfriends
2)Less attire is better
3)ONLY lotion up at the beach

THE RESULTS ARE IN!

Well, what can we say? The jubilation has not worn off yet, and we will try to ride the wave as long as we can. Brian took home the Front of the House Master of the Year with grace and honor. Few understand what it means to be chosen for such a prestigious award. Fewer can actually harness the energy of the award. A picture dialogue has been formed below to show you what we mean...

The following pictures are BEFORE the award. In a moment we will ask you to tell us what has changed...

The next picture is the moment of the announcement...

And now I want you to see the difference. Like a Jedi Master, Brian took the award to a whole new level. With the award and the right manther mindset, Brian is unstoppable!!

If you win it, they will come...

In the wrong hands, the award can have the reverse effect. Obviously Jesse does not understand the award. Devastating....

EVEN THE WOMAN ON HIS SHIRT TOOK HER TOP OFF!!!
Brian's agent called him shortly after to congratulate him and let him know a long-term contract is in the works.


Sitting there and answering the phones = Sanity

Dealing with Baldy (Tool) = -20 years of your life

Dealing with the rest of the Bellmen = Infinite wrinkles and sleepless nights

Getting Master of the Year and having the option to fight the girls off with a stick but not doing so because you are Brian Versyp, a gentleman, and there is more than enough to go around = Priceless

Love and other stuff

Some of us, at time, tend to focus a little to much on the negative things in life. For that reason we will be putting together a list. This list will contain various items from each our esteemed bellmen as well as just some other random stuff that we can all appreciate. Feel free to comment on our list and possibly add some of your own.

In order of seniority:

Bishop loves: The Cubs, Saints, The Captain, and a short shift with time enough to get in 9 holes

Dutch loves: BlueBerry Stoli & Soda Water, MMA, HGH, Jet Fuel, 25 grams of Protein, things that go fast! picking people up over my head hooooah!

Murph loves: to preach, 70's raver toons, studio 54, Hawaii brah!, knowing that he knows more that anyone about everything.

A. Smith loves: ice cold Budweiser are you kiddin' me!, time spent not working, being efficient, working smart not hard, accuaracy, organization, Royal Hawaiin!, Good ole country music, and a ridgerunner sandwich!

T-rav loves: His mother(of course), magic tricks, secret trips, secrets in general, to eat but doesn't ever get out of control, being the designated driver

RT loves: Momma, The Boy, The Girl, real estate, tinkering with his bike, playing mind games with Murph, deep thought

J-Mart loves: Pelli Bro! Talega with no wind, mulligans, did I mention mulligans, Starbucks Americano with no water plenty of room for cream! He Dooeeess? and of course VERSA

Frank loves: Draft Choice the Dodgers a pitcher of Budlight, Jahroot!, Short shifts, when the wife works, photoshop, Pelli Bro!, and of course VERSA

LEAKE loves: Vegas, Ferrara, blonde highlights yaknowwhatI'msayin'knowwhatImean?, sugar mammas! flexing his bulbous right bicep!

Mr. Westphal: an overtime basketball game, Cubs, Women of course, Hoff's dad, great early morning converstations, golfing sans shoes

TOhay loves: Proof, airplanes on treadmills, Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, Jesus (sorry Pat), Muay Thai, and Venya!

RC loves: No Limits baby! of course he loves Amy, Protein shakes, brown suede shirts, voting for VERSA!

Freddy loves: when people show up at 7am, loves not working with some people, loves small cars with great gas mileage, being a DD

VERSA loves: neighbors! Pelli Bro!, people with the last name Mactaggart, walking past the pool on a hot Summer day. stopping by the Alley at 5:31, Taco lady of course. A busy Sunday morning with the phone ringing off the hook, Baldy, Badgers, Cougars, Beavers( college mascots), being a manther!

Here are some additional loves: rainy Sundays, stooling up at the 47, Lapus, when someone gives what they think is a two dollar tip but, whoops, it was a hundred and a single wrapped together, roadtrips, when you witness karma both good and bad, getting the last spot in the garage, putting Versa's head on random bodies, when you throw out a movie quote and somebody gets it. I think we all love getting paid to blog!

Now it's your turn.....

Tip Assistance

For those of you who are new to the tip game, I would like to give some guidence. Below, we have outlind the proper way to present the tip to the tipee. It is important that you exude confidence when presenting the tip. Make eye-contact, smile and say "thank you" or some derivative of "thank you".





Holding


Hold the bill between your thumb and pointer finger. Unless I have a pony tail or my hair is slicked back, never ever hold it between your fingers as you try to shake my hand. We are not making a drug deal, nor am I some sleasy usher at a nudy bar who can get you a front row seat. Your wife isn't going to think you like me if you tip me so go ahead and show the tip! No advantage will come out of tipping me like a sleaze-ball. And to be honest, the first thing that comes to my mind is the thought that you are trying to hide something. It is ok that you are tipping me, you do not need to hide it. You should be confident that you are giving me a tip that is equal to the quality of service I have given you, and therefore you do not need to be worried that I might freak out.





Folding


Fold the bill no more than one time. The denomination should be shown so that I can see just how generous you are being at the time you are being it. I shouldn't have to pull a wad of one-dollar bills out of your sweat drenched grasp. I should have the ability to take the bill from you without making contact with your skin if I should desire. Sometimes the tipee could be like Howie Mandel and be afraid that the next hand he touches will result in the Hanta virus and the end of the world.





Denominating


If following the guidelines from about.com, you should be tipping no less than $5 for a bellman (One bag would elicit service from a bellman, and 1 x $5 = $5). Therefore, you should hand over a tip divisible by 5. Do not tip me like I am about to or have recently taken off all of my clothes, which means keep those 4 disgusting $1 bills that you pawned off of your wife because you forgot you were going to be tipping, to yourself. And never ask, "Honey, do you have any change?" There are only a few worse phrases and they all pretty much begin with "Today on Oprah..." or "Previously on The Hills..." or "Welcome to the Tyra Banks show..." Once again the idea is confidence. If you are going somewhere were there is a remote possibility that you might be tipping, plan ahead. Your dignity is worth more than a 5-minute stop at the local ATM...right? Remember that while a tip can be a confidence-booster, it can also be an insult.

PHRASES NEVER TO SAY



"All I have are large bills." You might as well tell me "All I have are bills that you do not deserve. If I could give you change in paper form, I would. I am paying $$$ for this room, but I cannot afford to give you a 'big bill'." There is such thing as getting change, which I will gladly get for you instead of your attempt to use Jedi-mind tricks on me.



"What is your name? I will catch up with you later." Look, we have all heard this line before. This isn't something new. We know you have no intention in tipping us. Chances are we will run into you later and we will not forget your face. I have a better chance of proving Tupac isn't dead than getting tipped after the fact. If you are going to pull this line, hide your face like the runaway bride so we do not have to be reminded of the tip you were going to give us every time we see you. You are not fooling us, we have heard it before.



"So what is an appropriate tip?" Look, when in doubt, aim high. You will not go broke from tipping a bellman, but you might just make my day, which may come back to you in a great way in the very near future. Remember, we know where you are and we know your name. We can hook you up.



Bonus line: (When looking at a bellcart with a laundry bag or ice bucket on it) "That must be one heavy ice bucket/laundry bag." Slow your roll, Carrot Top. This isn't stand-up. Chances are if you are saying it, it has been said before. What, next are you going to ask me if I know where the kids from the show Laguna Beach live?

Bro!!! I would love to pose for a pic but I gotta get back to sittin' there and answering the phone!

Tip Game

So, it's January 23rd and Brian Versa no longer owns his soul. Nate can no longer afford his HGH. Bishop is getting low on his stash of Captain. Andrew definitely can't afford school or his ass-backwards batting coach. Ronnie has been forced to take on two more jobs support Momma, the boy, and the girl. J-mart is selling his prized set of Titleist clubs. T-Rav is having to rummage through the local trash bins for scrap aluminum. Of course with his money, T-Rav visits the "future Mrs. Loidolt". Our resident Tool has resorted to simply living off of his wife's money. It has been so bad for Tool that just last week he made mention of the fact that he had to milk his cat for extra baby formula. "I have nipples, Baldy, can you milk me??" Lastly, Murph can no longer afford to purchase his many "raver" tunes.

With all of these tragic events in mind, we thought it might be helpful to offer up some "How much should I tip?" help. Included below is a link to a great article that was found on About.com
Are we saying that we earn every penny we get? No. What we are saying is that there are waaaaaaay to many people that just don't understand the proper tipping etiquette. On our next blog we will delve a little deeper into the exact how to's of the " tip game".
Tip Game

Soul Searching

It's January and the times are pretty slow. We've already had a long winter. Renovations have taken it's monetary toll on all of us. Paying rent has become quite the challenge. The thought of working a four day week used to sound great but, now we're begging for hours and money. Just the other day I caught Brian Versa (yes the future Master of the Year), selling his soul for two dollars. A guest asked him if he thought the Patriots were going to beat the Chargers and to my disbelief, Brian said "of course sir". Brian took the two dollar tip and with bowed head returned to the bell desk to cry.
Now, can we pay the rent? Yes. Did Brian have to sell his soul to do it? Yes. Are we, as a team, sick of having to sell our collective souls in order to "make things happen"? HELL YES!
The real question is how much longer can we do it?