Rules of the Beach

As I sit here sweating like a man on the Maury Povich show entitled "are you the father?", I can't help but be reminded that Summer is closing in on us faster than that "hit" series Caveman went off the air! We thought we would help you men with a few guidelines to assist you during your beach time.







Foot Attire:
There are two options here. Bare feet or flip-flops. Unless you are from the 909, that is it. If you do belong to the aforementioned area code, then you must wear socks and all-white skater shoes and come to the beach with your "crew" and some sort of professional jersey on and some sweat bands so everyone can mistake you for Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, Peyton Manning, etc. And while we are on the subject, never ever wear any sort of dress shoes with shorts. Beach or no beach, it just looks like you don't know what a flip-flop is, and if they have flip-flops in Egypt, they have them where you are from.




Waist Attire:
Unless you are participating in a triathlon or competitive swim, you must wear non-elastic board shorts that go to at most three inches above your knee. I don't want to lose my lunch every time you sit down. You following me? Absolutely no Speedo, unless there is a large group of people and you are about to start a swim where you will win money or have extreme notoriety for completing (think English Channel). A Speedo wearer is probably the same guy I see in the gym locker room walking around naked, sitting on all the benches, and making everyone uncomfortable. I don't like you flashing your junk at me when I am at the gym and I don't like seeing your moose knuckle (see image below) through your speedos. Nudity and spedos belong and are to remain in your own home. Never show up fully clothed. It is awkward for us all to see you traipse through the sand like you are stranded in the middle of the Sahara.






NO, THANK YOU!!!!!!









Upper Body Attire:
Two options again. Nothing or a t-shirt. Once again, no professional athlete jerseys and no sweat bands. You have a towel to wipe the sweat off of your athletic brow. You don't need any "gear" for your ultimate Frisbee game.




Sunscreens:

First of all...Unless you're going to the beach with a girl, lotion up at home! I don't need to see two mongrels slathering each other's hairy backsides with some cocoa butter they picked up at the local liquor store, while grabbing some Lynchburg Lemonade! Unless you're going to be competing in muscle beach pose down, leave the Hawaiian Tropic for the ladies.


P.s. 1985 called and is looking for it's zinc oxide and aqua socks!



Tips For Women:
Well women, we have simplified it for you into three easy steps/rules:

1) Show up with other girlfriends
2)Less attire is better
3)ONLY lotion up at the beach